I am obese.

Warning:  Diet talk

Well at least according to the BMI I am, and I know how inaccurate THAT is.  I’ve been this weight before and higher, but this time it somehow feels different.

I had not weighed myself in weeks, and I was honestly curious to see what had happened to my weight in that amount of time.  Had I gained a ton of weight without me watching it daily?  So I weighed myself, with a pretty good idea of what the scale would say because I have been at this weight before.  The number didn’t startle me, but I am not going to lie and say it didn’t bother me at all.  The years of dieting and being taught to hate my body was not erased in a few months.  There are also several people at work that LOVE diet talk.  I excuse myself now from these conversations, and I think this is making me appear less social at work.

I find myself gloomy and unhappy more times than I’m not.  I mentioned before that I felt as though I need a new hobby, something to spend my time on.  I am certainly no longer logging my points, planning grueling hours of activity, scouring the internet for low-point/low-fat recipes, and searching for the next weight loss tip.  Unfortunately, I have lost some of my interest in activity.  This could be the reason for the gloominess.  I know that working out regularly makes me happier and it gives me energy. A good friend of mine said maybe I’m just in a slump and I think that’s entirely possible.

The fact is that it’s not just that I need a hobby, I feel as though I’m trying to figure out who I am right this minute.  I spent my entire life (yes, even as a child) dreaming about what I would do once I had the perfect body, once I had lost X number of pounds.  I would buy certain clothes, go to certain places, and meet really cool people.  Now that I’m not planning for the ‘future me’, I’m stumbling around feeling like I’m trying to figure out, what the hell do I do now?

All that being said, will I go back to the DIET?  Not a chance!  That’s why this time at this weight, it’s different.  This is who I am right now, right this minute.  And learning what exactly that means is actually kinda cool.  It doesn’t feel like at this weight my world is on hold, and I don’t feel ‘fat and awful’ like I used to.

I went for a run this afternoon, listened to my music, settled into an easy pace and paid attention to every moment of it.  No big spiritual moment or anything, but it was good and that’s enough.

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